What you lack from childhood is what you seek in relationships - but, is it entirely true?
Sigmund Freud once said,
I want to f*ck my mom.
Then, realizing how shocking the statement was, he corrected himself like this —
Well, everyone wants to f*ck their parents… Right?
Joking aside, Sigmund Freud has had a significant impact on modern psychology, introducing the intriguing and extensively studied concept of the Oedipus complex to the world, which can be summarized as follows —
The Oedipus complex: a child naturally feels sexual desires towards their mother or father, and some sort of hatred/ jealousy towards their same gender caregiver. This is part of the normal developmental process of anybody.
The father of psychoanalysis, then, proposed the theory that early childhood experiences, such as unresolved conflicts and desires, could have a profound impact on an individual’s adult sexuality.
Freud’s work is famously controversial — my Psychology teacher used the premise “you either love it or hate it” when introducing the Freudian thought to our class.
However, his work has undoubtedly been incredibly powerful to the history of psychology and psychoanalysis as we know them today.
But let’s talk about other interesting studies, to dive deeper into sexuality and how childhood experiences have anything to do with it?
Attachment Theory
How many times have you heard about ‘attachment styles’?
The internet is full of fun quizzes to discover what’s your attachment type in a relationship, and the results can be the following:
Secure attachment.
Ambivalent (or anxious-preoccupied) attachment.
Avoidant-dismissive attachment.
Disorganized attachment.
But, what exactly are they?
John Bowlby, a prominent figure in psychology, developed the attachment theory, which identifies four distinct categories of attachment, broadly representing how an individual behaves within a relationship and what specific needs they have that must be met in their perfect relationship.
According to Bowlby, these attachment styles are established in childhood, emphasizing the importance of early caregiver-child relationships in shaping an individual’s emotional and social development.
Attachment styles established in childhood, such as secure or insecure attachments, can impact adult romantic and sexual relationships. For example, individuals with secure attachments tend to have healthier and more satisfying intimate relationships, while those with insecure attachments may experience challenges in forming emotional bonds.
So, are you saying my childhood trauma/ neglect are responsible for my sexuality? …
To reply to this question, let’s dive deeper into childhood traumas.
Psychologist Bessel van der Kolk’s work on trauma highlighted how adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) , including physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, can have lasting effects on an individual’s psychological well-being.
Do you have ACE(s)? Take this quick quiz to discover
As van der Kolk has noted,
Trauma is not what happens to you, but how you react to it.
These traumatic experiences can manifest in various ways, including sexual difficulties, dysfunctions in adulthood, and insecure attachment styles.
It’s very important, nevertheless, to acknowledge that not all individuals who experience childhood trauma will have the same sexual preferences or issues.
… so, not really?
Yeah! Modern psychology recognizes that human sexuality is highly diverse and influenced by a wide array of factors. While childhood experiences can contribute to one’s sexual development, they are only part of the equation. Factors such as genetics, hormonal influences, peer relationships, and cultural norms also play significant roles in shaping an individual’s sexuality.
Psychology as a science has its limitations, and the human psychology is too complex to make any sort of generalization.
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