Why Are Trauma Victims So Often Drawn to Abusive Relationships?

When we are young, our brain starts to develop and make sense of our experiences, our world. Even if you are completely unaware of most part of your infancy (childhood amnesia), your brain was already functioning and catalogalizing what’s “good” and what’s “bad”, what’s “normal” and what’s “strange”. By doing so, you will conceive your personal worldview, to which you will stick later in life.

So, a child who’s lived in a safe, nurturing, caring environment, will connect ‘the dots’ as follows - if I cry, my mom will comfort me; if I fall, it hurts and they will get me a bandaid; if I make a drawing to my dad, he will pin it to the fridge and give me a hug.

But if a kid has experienced chaos, trauma, unpredictability in their home, they won’t have these connections formed in their brain. On the contrary, these connections will be all over the place, and seen as “normal”. If I cry, my mom will hit me; if I fall, it’s my fault; if I make a drawing to my dad, he doesn’t care.

When it comes to intimacy & relationships, the keyword is familiarity. We are drawn to what we were raised with. Unconsciously, you seek for what’s familiar to you.

That leads trauma victims to adopt many toxic responses, such as self-sabotaging, people pleasing, lying, and so much more.

If you were raised with chaos, you’ll find it validating and comforting to see your toxic worldview confirmed.